Life feels heavy right now. One of my favorite coping mechanisms is escaping to my bathroom for a scalding hot shower that will rinse away my tears and relax tense muscles and just let me be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts can be a scary place though sometimes, so I like to put on some music to refocus. Sometimes it’s my favorite Goo-Goo Dolls playlist (I am a woman of the 90’s after all,) sometimes it’s just some fun music to enjoy, and sometimes I put on some favorite albums of hymns or other worship music and fall into the comfort of truth. Tonight, it was the latter that serenaded my hot escape. The last song I listened to is a favorite with a twist. This particular version of the song is done in a minor key and has a certain groaning about it. It felt more pensive, more pouring out of the heart the more I listened. As I sang along with the familiar tune, recounting memories of singing this at a former beloved church of mine in Nashville, the words suddenly struck a pang in my heart. All at once the grief I have been carrying seemed to sing forth, and I felt the urge to write as I release not only grief I’ve been holding myself, but grief I have held for others as well. And so, I write as I myself am striving to fight, but I write for you, dear reader, whoever you are, that you will continue to fight the good fight of faith. That you will endeavor to shut down the intrusive thoughts, and shut down the lies that would seek to trap you and chain you to a place of darkness where no light can ever peek in. If you feel like you are in the dark and you long for the light, this is for you.
The first verse begins from a place of humility and crying out. When you can’t take it anymore, you drop to your knees, throw your head back, and let out cries of the heart that only God can hear and understand.
- From the depths of woe I raise to Thee
The voice of lamentation;
Lord, turn a gracious ear to me
And hear my supplication;
If Thou iniquities dost mark,
Our secret sins and misdeeds dark,
O who shall stand before Thee?(Who shall stand before Thee?)
O who shall stand before Thee?(Who shall stand before Thee?)
Are you trapped in sin? Convicted of “misdeeds dark?” These words are begging God to listen and pay attention. This verse echoes Romans 3:10-12,
“None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.”
If God is holy and righteous, and we are only ever sinners — worthless ones at that— how could we ever come before God and dare to bring our requests for comfort and love and sustenance? How dare we bring our filthy, dirty rags to the Lord of hosts and ask him to make them clean, to make us clean again?
- To wash away the crimson stain,
Grace, grace alone availeth;
Our works, alas! Are all in vain;
In much the best life faileth;
No man can glory in Thy sight,
All must alike confess Thy might,
And live alone by mercy (Live alone by mercy)
And live alone by mercy (Live alone by mercy)
The answer is grace! Grace, grace alone availeth! Nothing we do is good enough. Everything fails. You might be wondering to yourself why I’m telling you that you’re a failure in a post about hope and striving for the faith. But this is exactly the point. A crucial point of salvation is realizing you aren’t good enough. Nothing about you is appealing to God. In fact, it’s the exact opposite of appealing.
Your status? Meaningless.
Your abilities? Rubbish.
Your accomplishments? Congratulations; all have been done in vain.
Your sin? Crushing. Overwhelming. Devastating. At least, it should be. Maybe start asking some questions if you don’t feel the weight of it.
But.
Your weaknesses? Beautiful.
Your utter failures? Glorious.
Falling on your face in true humility before the God of the universe who saw you and knew you and loved you before the foundations of the world? Precious.
- Therefore my trust is in the Lord,
And not in mine own merit;
On Him my soul shall rest, His word
Upholds my fainting spirit;
His promised mercy is my fort,
My comfort and my sweet support;
I wait for it with patience(Wait for it with patience)
I wait for it with patience(Wait for it with patience)
So. Reader. Where is your trust? Is it in your straight A’s on the honor roll? Scholarships lined up for college? Money in the bank? Climbing the corporate ladder? Marriage? Kids who make you proud? Viral posts or videos online? Likes or comments or views? Google reviews? Friends in every circle?
Grades can fail. Scholarships can fall through. Financial strain and getting hit with one thing after another can strip away every confidence you had in your savings. Getting fired out of the blue happens. Your spouse can be unfaithful. Kids can make terrible choices that will make you feel like you failed as a parent or struggle with trials you can’t take away. Viral posts aren’t viral forever. 1 star reviews can add up over time. Friends walk away.
Doubt creeps in. Maybe God’s not real. Maybe my faith isn’t real. Maybe my life isn’t what I pictured and it’s hard to reconcile fantasy with reality. Maybe my spouse isn’t who I thought they were. Maybe my job isn’t really fulfilling me the way I thought it would. Maybe the doctor calls with difficult news. Maybe anxiety starts to mess with your body. Maybe you start thinking of ways to escape – with food, with drinks, with drugs, running away, walking out on your family, or giving up altogether.
Whenever the hard things of life hit, we immediately start to ask questions. Why me? Why this? Why not that? How will I get through? Where do I go? What do I do?
- What though I wait the live-long night,
And ‘til the dawn appeareth,
My heart still trusteth in His might;
It doubteth not nor feareth;
Do thus, O ye of Israel’s seed,
Ye of the Spirit born indeed;
And wait ‘til God appeareth(Wait ‘til God appeareth)
And wait ‘til God appeareth(Wait ‘til God appeareth)
We wait. Not an answer most people want to hear. No one likes to wait. Not for a red light to turn green, not for the server to bring the food to us faster, not for a boring story to end already, and definitely not for wisdom from the only true Source that actually has it to give. His wisdom takes too long. It requires waiting. And in the waiting, we stiff suffer. We still struggle to believe. We still strive to understand. We still seek for a better way (pro tip: there is none.) Until the dawn appears, our hearts must trust in His might, not our own strength, which is feeble at best. It must not doubt, nor fear, which at times seems impossible. We must tell ourselves the truths we know to be true, and then pray to God, “help my unbelief.”
We must remind ourselves not to doubt in the dark what we KNOW to be true in the light. Because even though our hearts may know the truth and believe the truth, our minds try to trick us into thinking differently. Emotions get in the way, and we start to believe the lies our feelings tell us rather than believe the truth our hearts pump through our veins. As the verse says, “Ye of the Spirit born indeed” which means that if we are truly believers, we have the Spirit in our very bodies and souls and hearts and minds. We have the mind of Christ and can put off the lies the enemy would have us believe in our crippled state of mind, believing there is no way out.
Ah, but the Way out lives!
- Though great our sins and sore our woes
His grace much more aboundeth;
His helping love no limit knows,
Our upmost need it soundeth.
Our Shepherd good and true is He,
Who will at last His Israel free
From all their sin and sorrow (All their sin and sorrow)
From all their sin and sorrow (All their sin and sorrow)
Our sins are great indeed. And our woes are so very, very sore. Our hearts are torn as we watch loved ones struggle. Our minds are battle-worn as we fight the good fight of faith to believe the truth we know to be true but the world would have us believe it’s all a facade at best, a lie at worst. And so, God, being merciful toward us sinners, trapped in the chains of a world we created, living out consequences from sin of our own hands’ doing, His grace much more abounds. His helping love no limit knows. At our lowest point, in our worst need, it sounds the alarm to his helping love to reach down, bandage our wounds, lift us off the dirty ground we tried to make pretty with scraps we found, and carry us to the cleft of the rock where we could find refuge and rest.
Why? Why would He do this for us?
Oh dear reader. Because! Because our Shepherd is good. Our Shepherd is TRUE. And one day, He will free His Israel – His people who are all who trust in Him alone – from all their sin and sorrow.
We won’t always live under the curse of the fall. The curse, already overcome, will be crushed finally and forever, never to darken the door of our heavenly homes, which are waiting for us to arrive and decorate with our bloodied bandages, our trophies of sorrows and our certificates of failure stamped with the redeeming blood of Christ who bled every drop of blood his body held – for us.
For you, reader.
And for me.
So I write that I will remember that God holds my heavy and hard things. He holds every fear and every what if? He carries our every I should have and if only and I can’t do this anymore and how could they how dare they and I’m just SO ANGRY and why and how and oh, God, please help my unbelief and heal my hurting heart. He gently holds and carries and tucks away all of these because of His amazing love, His endless grace, His promised mercy, and His all-encompassing comfort. This, we wait for with patience, knowing it is real. It is true. And because He said it, He will surely do it. Therefore, strive, knowing our striving is not in vain. Fight the good fight, knowing it is already won and you must only walk in it side by side with the champion Himself. And rest in perfect peace, as you keep your mind stayed on Him.
For me? I believe because I must. Where else can we go?
He holds — He IS — the Word of life.
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