On Saturday, I posted Honesty in the Raw, words of vulnerability and weakness and grief and anger. I am so blessed to have a loving, supportive family. I received the following from my mom in response and it meant so much to me and spoke so much to my heart, I wanted to share in hopes it would encourage your heart as well:
Sarah, I read your blog post. I have been going through a devotional book based on meditations on Psalm 27. There is a chapter entitled “Hearts at Rest”, based on Ps. 27:3: “Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear.” At this moment in your life, the formidable army encamped against you is one that consists of the myriad of fiery trials that often comprise Sam’s autism and the struggles — mental, spiritual, and sometimes physical — involved in the daily, or minute-by-minute, battle.
The meditation consisted of this poem, which is really a heart’s cry and prayer, and I thought of you at this particular time, although if we are honest, we have all been there, or, rather, we all live here. I hope it speaks to you in some way.
I would like to say that my heart is at rest,
but I can’t.
I would like to think that I always rest in God’s care,
but I don’t.
I would love to declare that my faith is unwavering,
but it isn’t.
I wish it was a fact that fear is a thing of my past,
but it simply isn’t.
It would be nice to know that trust’s struggle is over,
but it isn’t.
I wish I never wanted to be my own sovereign,
but I do.
I want to have unbroken rest in the hand of God’s love,
but I don’t.
I long to face difficulty without question or doubt,
but I don’t.
I do not want to re-question my Father’s love,
but I do.
I wish I never questioned the Lord’s good plan,
but I do.
The struggle is better than it once was,
but not done.
My rest is more consistent than it used to be,
but not complete.
My heart enjoys a greater ease than in earlier days of faith,
but unrest comes.
I have lived with You and seen Your care,
but questions come.
I have seen You do what I could not have conceived,
but still doubt.
I have been in awe of the provisions of Your grace,
but anxiety comes.
I have submitted myself to Your will and way,
but still rebel.
So with rest in Your forgiveness and confidence in Your power,
With a needy heart that craves Your help,
I pray: “Help me, Father, today to let go of my need to always understand. Enable me to live in rest when I don’t know before what will happen. Help me to have a restful heart when opposition is great, and all I have is You.” (Paul David Tripp)
Sometimes all we have to offer Him are our tears, the deepest cries of our hearts, but He longingly and lovingly desires them. He will hear you. He will answer. Be encouraged.
Thanks, Mom. I am.
Yea, your mom rocks!!! I miss her wisdom and presence also.
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