I’m going to be honest with you. Not that I’m usually dishonest, but I seem to think that when I write, my posts should be uplifting and encouraging in nature, and less “raw”. I usually blog after I’ve had time to process my thoughts. Tonight, I’m not waiting that long. I’m just going to write, because otherwise, I won’t be able to sleep.
It’s been a rough day. The kind of day that made me just want to run away… so I did. I didn’t go far – just to my bedroom down the hall with the computer so I could lose myself in photo editing and the grand blogosphere. I had decided that instead of incorporating things I enjoy doing and love to do (such as sewing, discovering a new way to create something pretty, or photography), I would create a new blog and keep the autism blog as a separate entity. It’s part of the enjoyment I get from creating – it starts with the creation of the blog itself. I started out just doing it for a little while since it’s Saturday, but then the more I heard kids and yelling and meltdowns, I decided against doing anything that would cause me to interact with that as much as I could possibly help it.
I stayed holed up in my room on my bed and only emerged for food, or to settle major disputes from the kids, or to refresh my glass of crushed iced tea. Kyle was home too, so I hid away long enough to see if he got to them before I absolutely HAD to come out of my cave.
There were several major meltdowns today, some from Samuel and some from Joshua, our 4 year old. Today, Sam was especially sensitive to people looking at him, or heaven forbid smiling at him, and began a new sensitivity to overreacting to Josh’s excitement about things. Sam would scream at him, “Why do you HAVE to be SO excited?!?!!” Josh wasn’t jumping up and down making lots of noise or anything, just smiling really big (a major infraction in Sam’s book) and clapping his hands saying “YAY!” to whatever it was he was excited about – probably cookies. At lunchtime, Samuel refused to ask politely (saying “please”) for more ketchup and cried about the fact that he doesn’t like to say it, and going on and on about why should he have to do something he doesn’t like to do with no satisfaction in any answer we gave.
As frustrating and sometimes downright maddening these behaviors are, today it was secondary to the main reason why I was so aggravated. The main reason behind my hibernation was because (really big GULP), I’m selfish. I said earlier I started out just messing around on the computer for a bit, but then it became obsession for the day in order to escape my role as “Mom”. And while I was engrossed in my own online world, it only frustrated me more to have to deal with anything else – like meltdowns and tantrums and helping put on shoes and socks and, and, and… . It frustrated me because with all the furstrations autism was causing my son today, I was upset because I was inconvenienced. I wasn’t so concerned with whatever was causing the meltdown or tanrtrum inasmuch as I could make it stop so I could go back to what I wanted to do.
See? I told you this was raw. I suppose in order to write this, I have had a little bit of time to process it. But the process went something like this as I recounted the day’s activity:
Activity of enjoyment
Frustration over meltdown – engaging Sam, resolving meltdown
(Repeat several times over until it reaches the next point)
Anger over autism and the irritations it causes
Anger towards myself realizing I’m mad because autism demands SO much of me and I’m just tired of dealing with it because of its severe inconveniences
Anger towards God for allowing this “divine appointment” in our lives
Anger over discontentment because of autism
Guilt that I don’t rejoice in trials and “consider it all joy”
Wrestle with God about all the above
I’m somewhere in the last few points right now, so I don’t have an answer. It makes me so mad that my son has autism. It makes me so mad that we have to deal with it and we don’t want to (much like the ketchup incident). It really makes me mad that insurance doesn’t cover professional therapy, except once a week meetings with a therapist an hour away, which we have not had in a month, and will not have for another several weeks. Everything we have to do to address the myriad issues autism causes rests on our shoulders.
It’s easy to say that we are going to rest in God, and give Him our burdens. But the fact is, we are still the ones that have to physically DO it. We still have to use self-control so we don’t throw a tantrum ourselves while dealing with Samuel. We still have to have the techniques and the knowledge to appropriately address the issues at hand. We have to make the decisions to lovingly discipline or correct. No matter how long I try to stay in my room, I still have to come out and fight the beast of autism that only taunts me with every punch I throw. The thing is, I’m not usually confident in my abilities to defend my position as the parent who knows what is best for my son. I’m scared that whatever I am doing is not best for my son, not appropriate for the situation, or it is not helping him in the long run. And truly, it all just pisses me off. I don’t usually like that word, but it feels appropriate to this context.
So now I’m left in a swirling cloud of anger and grief. And – can I say this out loud? I’m mad with God. I’m mad that somehow brokenness is supposed to be the way to glorify Him, moreso it seems than joy and happiness. I can’t have the day that all things are made new now – I can only hope for it. I heard a sermon by Alistair Begg recently that was really very good, but very convicting and striking to my heart. He talked about how all things in our lives are there by Divine appointment. That God, who is sovereign, foreordained all things at the beginning of time – that I would have 3 boys, and that one of them would have autism. That is one of my divine appointments. I am a mother of a son with autism. He talked about the struggle for contentment in all things, and how Jacob wrestled with God for a blessing. I feel like I could be more content even in the face of tremendous suffering if I knew that the suffering I was experiencing was a spiritual persecution of sorts – being ostricized for my faith, for example. Being disowned by family and friends for the sake of Christ. But this – autism? It doesn’t feel worthy enough to suffer for the sake of Christ. How do I suffer autism for the sake of Christ anyway? Is it just by having a “good attitude” in the midst of it? That hardly seems like a good enough reason to bear through it.
I have no resolution tonight. Tomorrow is Sunday, a day of corporate worship with my church family. Perhaps God will speak to me through something then. I’ve spent time reading Scripture tonight, and as far as I’ve gotten is that I’m supposed to be joyful, but I’m not. And I still hate autism.
So now what?
You just put this day behind you, root out the bitterness before it really sinks the roots in deep…. and breathe. Don't forget to breathe, dear sister 🙂
What is your new blog?
Thanks!! Breathing better today…
The new blog is http://fancifulsojourns.blogspot.com/
Let me know what you think! 🙂
We stumbled over here different web address and
thought I might as well check things out. I like what
I see so now i am following you. Look forward to finding out about your web page repeatedly.
Hi there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this
blog before but after browsing through some
of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyways, I’m definitely glad I found
it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back frequently!
Good write-up. I absolutely appreciate this site.
Stick with it!
This piece of writing is truly a good one it assists new internet people, who are wishing for blogging.
Your style is really unique in comparison to other people I have read stuff from.
Thank you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I’ll just book mark this page.
Hello my family member! I wish to say that this post is
awesome, nice written and come with almost all significant infos.
I would like to peer extra posts like this .
If you desire to take a great deal from this article then you have to apply such techniques
to your won website.
Hi, constantly i used to check website posts here early in the daylight, because i enjoy to find out more and more.
Just desire to say your article is as amazing. The clarity in your post is just cool and
i can assume you are an expert on this subject. Well with
your permission let me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post.
Thanks a million and please continue the rewarding
When someone writes an article he/she retains the image of a user
in his/her mind that how a user can be aware of it.
Thus that’s why this paragraph is perfect. Thanks!
It’s really a great and helpful piece of info. I’m happy that
you simply shared this helpful information with us.
Please stay us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.
Hello there, just became alert to your blog through Google, and found that it is truly informative.
I’m going to watch out for brussels. I will be grateful if you continue this in future.
Lots of people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!
I could not resist commenting. Perfectly written!
I wanted to thank you for this good read!! I certainly enjoyed every bit of it.
I have you saved as a favorite to check out new things you post…
Howdy! This post could not be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my old room mate!
He always kept chatting about this. I will forward
this post to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read.
Thank you for sharing!
Hello there! This article couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
He constantly kept preaching about this. I’ll forward this
post to him. Pretty sure he’ll have a very good read. I appreciate you for sharing!
This design is wicked! You definitely know how to keep a reader
entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my
own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Fantastic job. I really enjoyed what
you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it.
First off I would like to say awesome blog! I had a quick question which I’d like to ask if you don’t mind.
I was curious to know how you center yourself and clear your head
before writing. I have had trouble clearing my mind in getting my ideas out there.
I do take pleasure in writing but it just seems like the first 10 to
15 minutes are generally lost simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or hints?
Howdy great website! Does running a blog like this take a lot of work?
I have absolutely no understanding of programming however I had been hoping to start my own blog in the near future.
Anyways, should you have any recommendations or tips for
new blog owners please share. I know this is off topic however I simply needed
to ask. Appreciate it!
Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude! Thank you,
However I am going through troubles with your RSS. I don’t know why I am unable to subscribe to it.
Is there anybody else having the same RSS issues?
Anybody who knows the answer can you kindly respond? Thanx!!
I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here.
The sketch is attractive, your authored material stylish.
nonetheless, you command get bought an edginess over that you wish be delivering the following.
unwell unquestionably come more formerly again as exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this increase.
Wow! This could be one of the most beneficial blogs we have ever come across on thesubject. Basically wonderful info! I am also a specialist in this topic therefore I can understand your hard work.
When someone writes an article he/she maintains the thought of
a user in his/her mind that how a user can be aware of it.
So that’s why this paragraph is outstdanding. Thanks!
Having read this I thought it was extremely enlightening.
I appreciate you finding the time and energy to
put this article together. I once again find myself spending
a lot of time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it
was still worth it!
I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest
but your blogs really nice, keep it up! I’ll go ahead and bookmark your website to come
back later on. All the best
Hello, tender thanks you in spite of word! I repost in Facebook
Nice post. I was checking constantly this weblog and I’m inspired!
Very useful information specifically the last section :
) I maintain such info a lot. I used to be looking for this particular info for
a very long time. Thank you and best of luck.
I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog
and was curious what all is required to get set up?
I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
I’m not very internet savvy so I’m not 100% certain. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi there, I enjoy reading all of your post.
I like to write a little comment to support you.
I have been surfing online greater than three hours these days, yet I by no means
discovered any attention-grabbing article like yours.
It is beautiful value sufficient for me. In my opinion, if all webmasters and bloggers made excellent content as you did, the net will be much more helpful than ever before.
Yes! Finally someone writes about sling tv https://asksylphoflight.tumblr.com/.
Hello, blame you in spite of tidings! side effects for viagra http://viapwronline.com I repost in Facebook.
When someone writes an piece of writing he/she keeps the image
of a user in his/her mind that how a user can know it.
Therefore that’s why this post is amazing. Thanks!
It’s awesome designed for me to have a web page, which is valuable designed
for my knowledge. thanks admin
Great delivery. Sound arguments. Keep up the great work.
Hello, give you http://cialisxtl.com for information! cialis price
viagra online pharmacy
Hello! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new apple iphone!
Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look forward to all your posts!
Carry on the excellent work!
I really like it when people come together and share opinions.
Great blog, stick with it!
Cialis interactions for cialis lowest cialis prices
Your style is very unique in comparison to other folks I’ve read stuff from.
Thank you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I
will just bookmark this page.
Good respond in return of this question with solid arguments and explaining all regarding that.
Cialis 30 mg cialis what happens which is better – cialis or viagra
Cialis 30 mg cialis what happens generic cialis no doctor’s prescription
Hey I am so delighted I found your web site, I really
found you by mistake, while I was searching on Digg for something
else, Regardless I am here now and would just like to say many
thanks for a remarkable post and a all round exciting blog (I
also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to read through it
all at the minute but I have saved it and also added in your RSS feeds,
so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please do keep up the fantastic work.
Cialis cialis professional best liquid cialis
Hey this is kind of of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you
have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding skills so I wanted to get guidance from
someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
viagra sale tesco buy daily cialis buy levitra south africa
viagra prescription buy cialis daily dose buy cheap cialis today
best place order cialis order levitra online uk buy levitra pen
best place buy viagra online forum buy cialis from canadian pharmacy order cialis prescription
buy cialis online no prescription buy viagra dominican republic where can i buy viagra in la
best place buy viagra online yahoo does viagra or cialis help with pe cialis pills what are for
cialis buy south africa does cialis lower blood pressure viagra sale nz
buy cialis over counter fastest delivery of cialis buying online order viagra online us
cheap generic viagra cialis coupon code buy cialis fda
methodist rehab jackson ms cafeteria accelerated rehab free drug rehab program
viagra sale britain viagra buy durban cheapest price for levitra
Heroin Rehab Centers Near Me Best Rehab Near Me ÿþ< Inpatient Alcohol Rehab Centers Alcohol Abuse Centers
Drug And Alcohol Treatment Centers Near Me In Treatment Alcohol Centers ÿþ< Best Drug Treatment Centers Free Outpatient Rehab
viagra for sale philippines buy cialis no prescription mastercard buy viagra high street
Stress And Substance Abuse Inpatient Drug Rehab Near Me ÿþ< Alcohol Abuse Treatment Centers Substance Abuse Treatment Programs
Alcohol Rehabilitation Program Drug Abuse Rehab Centers ÿþ< Drug Alcohol Treatment Faith Based Rehab Near Me
Meth Rehab Centers Near Me Bay Cove Methadone Clinic ÿþ< Drug Counseling Near Me Samhsa Treatment
Free Outpatient Rehab Near Me Residential Rehabilitation Treatment Programs ÿþ< Substance Abuse Programs For Youth Methadone Treatment Center
how to cut a cialis pill in half order cialis india cialis buy in australia
Meth Treatment Centers Near Me Atod Abuse ÿþ< Best Inpatient Rehab Near Me Alcohol Rehab Centers
Journeypure Rehab Residential Rehabilitation Treatment Programs drug rehab centers near me Center For Alcohol And Drug Treatment Outpatient Substance Abuse Treatment Near Me
order viagra online legal buy viagra discreetly buy cialis legally
Local Drug Treatment Centers Substance Abuse Treatment Near Me drug rehab centers near me Substance Abuse Recovery Center Outpatient Rehab Centers Near Me
viagra buy now pay later buy viagra order viagra online
cheap viagra pills uk generic viagra 100mg – order viagra uk
pfizer viagra cheap prices buy viagra – discount cialis soft tabs
can you order cialis generic levitra vardenafil – where to order viagra for women
buy levitra with dapoxetine cialis generic – generic viagra without a doctor prescription
cialis for sale online in canada viagra without doctor prescription – buy cialis canada no prescription
canadian cialis sale http://hydroxychloroquine24.com – hydroxychloroquine 200 mg price in india buy cialis canada paypal
Methadone Treatment Center ï»¿http://aaa-rehab.com Drug Rehab Centers Near Me ï»¿http://aaa-rehab.com Methadone Program
buy viagra in mexico http://kaletra24.com – Ritonavir 50 mg and Lopinavir 200 mg cheap cialis/ viagra levitra
cheap cialis fast http://hydroxychloroquine24.com – generic plaquenil viagra + where to buy + .au
Hey very nice blog!
Hi there it’s me, I am also visiting this website daily, this website is really good and the visitors are really sharing nice thoughts.