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“O satisfy us in the morning with
Thy loving-kindness,
That we may sing for joy and
be glad all our days”
                                                                    Psalm 90:14
Today, my son still has autism. Every day for the rest of his life, he will have autism. But today, or rather right now, I don’t want to dwell on the difficulties autism brings and will bring when he comes home from school at the end of the day. I don’t want to wish it away, long for “normal”, or play hide and seek with glimpses of the real Samuel peeking out during moments of great progress. I don’t want to wait in angst for my hope in “all things new” to be realized. I don’t want to advocate and grieve over the blindness of so many who hate who my son is and what he might do for harm instead of good. I don’t want to grieve over the lost dreams of what I thought our life was going to look like, or the perfect pictures of my son laughing happily and eating more than 4 different foods. No, not today. At least not right now. There are times for each of those things, and one or more of them may present themselves and demand my attention today. But at least for now, at 9am in the morning, all I want is joy in the satisfaction of my God whose loving-kindness has been poured upon my head in His lavished grace.
Satisfy me, o God, that I may sing for joy and be glad – just for today. Maybe, just maybe, if I stop waiting for autism therapies to come through and keep thinking Sam is going to change how he reacts to things and how he behaves in general even though I know autism affects every aspect of his life, and if I stop waiting for my husband and my children to give me what they will never be able to give me, and if I stop daydreaming about a bigger and better house because then I will actually want to keep it looking wonderful all the time… if I stop putting my hopes and dreams in jars of earthen clay, I will discover what has been waiting and hoping and longing for and pursuing me all along.
God.
Loving-kindness.
Salvation.
satisfy us in the morningHave you ever found it difficult to be satisfied with God, and only God? I do. I look to God to provide our needs, to protect us from harm, to grant joy in suffering and peace in the midst of the storm… but I am rarely satisfied just by His presence as I pour over His words to me, and by His Spirit He has put within me that works in me to will and to work for my good and His pleasure.
Friends, I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting and hoping and longing for something better when what these verses (and many, many more!) are telling me is that there is satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy… NOW. I will still wait for autism therapies to come through. I will still hope for the best and for more of the son I know is in there to reveal himself to us until all we see is Samuel unaffected by the pervasive, negative symptoms of autism. I will still long for the day when Jesus reconciles all things to Himself and makes all things new. When tears no longer stain my pillow (or my husband’s shirts) from grieving over what I don’t like about my life, and at times even hate. When heaven is fully realized on earth.
But as I do all those things, I can still be satisfied now. I can be filled with joy – and sing because of it – now. I can be glad. What satisfies me? Maybe the question should be, “what should satisfy me?” The loving-kindness of God. His grace – undeserved merit. His mercy. His faithfulness. His LOVE. His unfailing love. His salvation!
I find it interesting that it says, “satisfy us in the morning“. I am NOT a morning person. Anyone who knows me remotely well at all knows this. I’m generally not happy in the morning. You know those people who are all perky and happy and are little bubbles of sparkling rainbows? Who smile the biggest smile ever at you first thing in the morning when you’re still so woozy from sleep and only one eye is half-opened and your knees are so weak and you just want to collapse back into a coma? I hate those people. Okay, hate is a bit strong. But they seriously get on my nerves. I am not ready to take on the day and happily serve my family by getting everyone ready and get a head start on cleaning when I get up in the morning. I need a good couple of hours to get going. I need CAFFEINE. After waking from sleep, I need to just rest a bit. And heaven knows, I am NOT satisfied with anything in the morning, unless it’s more sleep.
But I could be.
I could be satisfied – apart from sleep. I could, if even during the few minutes I am steeping my morning tea, seek satisfaction from God. I can even keep my eyes closed (I am praying, after all!) I could for a moment ask for an infusion of joy, instead of the bergamot of earl grey. Bergamot is deliciously satisfying, but I rather suspect it doesn’t have the long-lasting effect that perhaps the joy of the Lord will certainly bring if I will but ask for it.
I was up earlier than usual this morning. Typically, Kyle takes care of the kids in the morning since he IS a morning person (though he doesn’t emit bubbles of sparkly rainbows) and he lets me sleep. Today he had a meeting first thing in the morning, so that meant I was on kid duty to get them ready and out the door to the bus for school. I came home from the bus stop refreshed – not the good kind – the kind of refreshment that running out the door in the freezing cold and scraping off the windshield brings. And only by grace, I chose not to crumble back into a heap in my bed under the electric blanket where I would surely be satisfied by more sleep. Instead, I brushed my teeth and made my tea and opened my Bible to Psalm 90 as it has been on my heart since my pastor’s sermon last week. (Very good sermon, as they all are, but this one especially. Listen to it HERE.)
The more I meditate on this verse, the greater my love for God has grown in the last hour of thinking and writing on it. The greater my joy has been in the God of my salvation. I am praying He prolongs the work He is doing in my heart this morning to last until the day is done. I want to end the day with as much grace with which it has begun. Knowing God is faithful, I am trusting Him to satisfy my heart today and give me great cause to sing for joy and make me glad for all of today – but just for today. The verse says, “that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” I’m going to take it one day at a time. Let me sing for joy and be glad today.

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